Fall

Hello, internet people!

It has officially been one year since I was admitted to Florida Hospital after my bronch-gone-bad that led to my eventual second transplant! Oh, how time flies.

Fall has always been a bittersweet time for me. It is the beginning of the best time of the year; Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years’ Eve, and my birthday all occur within three months of each other, making this quarter of the year not only expensive and frantic, but also exciting and festive. October is also the start of sick season and I spent most of my teen years in the hospital on IV antibiotics to fight off lung infections. I get my flu shot every year about this time, stock up on my hand sanitizer, and avoid people as much as possible, especially now that I am immunosuppressed.

Three years ago, however, was the start of my health’s downward (and exponential) trend. As you all might remember, October was the month I started this blog, as well as my first hospitalization as a college student. That hospitalization led me to withdraw from Stetson to focus on my health and properly prepare for transplant. Although I never got to properly prepare, the transplant still happened two months later.

The next autumn was amazing. I was healthy for the first time since my youngin’ days. I was makin’ that money, going to school, having a fantastic social life. I celebrated Halloween outside of a hospital room for the first time in 3 years. I thought my time of bittersweet autumns was over and that I could simply enjoy this quarter of the year for the rest of my life.

HAHAHA.

Fall 2015: probably the worst of my life. I was in the hospital for two months and was feeling the lowest I had ever felt in my twenty years of life. Two decades of dealing with illness, yet this time last year was almost my breaking point. I was close to giving up multiple times.

But, of course, I didn’t, and I was transplanted again. A third chance at life. A third chance at having wonderful autumns.

This season makes me nervous. I am constantly on edge that something will go wrong. Or even worse, everything will be perfect and I’ll be due for something terrible to happen next fall. Gotta keep up that pattern right? Good fall, bad fall, good fall, bad fall, on and on and on until the end of time (or at least until I learn from the bears and start hibernating through the season).

I’ve been experiencing some blood sugar issues for the past couple weeks, causing my slight anxiety about this season to grow. I haven’t had to deal with insulin or diabetes in several months, so the random nature of this flare up has me worried. My transplant doctor believes it to be stress, but only an endocrinologist will be able to help stabilize the issue. It’s strange continuing on with my daily life and responsibilities when I have this issue raging in the back of my mind. Whenever my mouth gets dry at work, I’m worried my blood sugar is dangerously high. When my hands start shaking as I’m driving home, I fear my blood sugar has dropped too low. Some of it is purely in my head. But sometimes it’s not and I become frustrated with my body and its inability to cooperate with me. That coupled with the slight infection I had a couple weeks ago has done a great job of reminding me of my mortality.

My body also doesn’t seem to care how it affects those around me. I have so much love in my life that I honestly cannot believe how lucky I am. But with so much love, also comes worry when things aren’t going 100% the way they should. Between my parents, siblings, friends and nursing-student boyfriend, I have every aspect of my life being concerned about.

Of course, with all these people worried about me when my health starts to get wonky, my worry also increases, not for myself, but for them. I don’t want to be a stress for them and I don’t like to cause them pain. When my health started declining last year, I found I was more concerned for my loved ones than I was for myself. If I didn’t make it, I didn’t want them to experience that loss.

Dating is rough no matter who you are. Nowadays, the dating world is scary and confusing and it’s hard to know where to go to look for what you want. Now, imagine dating with a chronic illness. Everyone has baggage, of course, but the baggage of illness is especially heavy, daunting, and expensive. I’ve always been a secret romantic, even if I sometimes act like I’m too cool for that kinda thing. I always knew I wanted to get married and have a family and that continues to be one of the things that I want to do in my life. Since a young age, I knew I wanted to be a mom. But as I grew up and my health began to worsen, I seriously questioned if I would ever find someone willing to put up with my health issues. Movies, books, and TV shows love to romanticize illness, telling these great stories of these chronically ill or disabled people finding love and happiness. The problem is, they don’t paint realistic pictures of those illnesses, such as the weeks long hospitalizations, all the medications, the effects on the body, the constant expenses.

It was a wonderful idea to think that I would find that one guy who instantly fall in love with me and completely ignore the dark cloud hanging over my head. After my first transplant, I thought, “Finally. I look and feel normal. I take a lot of meds, but for the most part there is nothing wrong with me. I’m healthy. Dating will be so much easier now.” And it was. Or at least, casual dating was. As time progressed, I would start to let my walls down, explaining my health situation in more detail. For twentysomethings though, that’s a lot to handle. Trust me, I am fully aware of the situation. I don’t blame anyone for deciding they are not equipped to handle it. But when people constantly come into your life and then leave once you open up, you start building your walls higher and higher with stronger materials. It gets harder and harder to knock down those walls until eventually you decide it’s just not worth it.

When you do find someone who fights to break down your walls, then you face even more issues. You start caring (gross) and wanting wants best for them (even grosser). You are constantly afraid of what is going to happen when things start going bad, because in your experience, things always go bad. What if they decide its too much, but you are already fully invested? What if they leave right when you are at your most vulnerable? Or, what if they don’t leave? You don’t want them to hurt. You want them to have a great life without worries about health-issues. You want them to have a family. You also don’t want them to feel stuck. What if they start to resent you?

It is always risky to open yourself up to someone, sick or not. No one wants to experience heartbreak or hurt. I’ve found that best thing to do is just jump all in. Things don’t always work out and people leave. But sometimes, you just might get lucky and find someone who will choose you 100% of the time. And I think that reward might be worth the risk. Because who are we without the people that we love? Life can be lonely and rough and so terrifying. As the wise Dr. Seuss once said:

“I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.”

When life gets really difficult, its the people in your life and the love that surrounds you that helps you move forward. Love can inspire you to keep going, to fight your battles, and to believe in yourself. The love that surrounds me constantly amazes me and I am certain that without it, I would not be here.

So, take risks with love. Take the jump. It just might be worth it.